How Do You Forgive and Forget in a Troubled Relationship? Part 2

In part 1 of How Do You Forgive and Forget In A Troubled Relationship I discussed the case of a couple where the man has had a history of a fear of commitment and the woman has some insecurity about the relationship because of this.  They have rectified most of their issues and have moved in together and are doing well; however the female cannot get over the fact that he did leave before and she is worried that it will happen again.  She is having trouble dealing with her own insecurity and this is not allowing her to forgive and forget.

So how do you forgive and forget these problems so you can move on in the relationship?  Here are some things to consider:

1.  Review the present situation, despite of past events.  Obviously if the pattern of behavior remains the same month after month then it needs to be addressed.  If the problem behavior has improved then you should focus on what is good in the relationship.  Make that the main focus of your attention.  It’s not wrong to discuss the past every now and then but don’t make it the focus of every conversation that you have.  That becomes exhausting and you will never get past it if you always keep it in the foreground.

2.  Acknowledge that his fear of commitment is justified and real.  Many times we interpret this fear of commitment as an excuse that someone doesn’t want to be with someone else with any kind of permanence.  Yes, this may be the case in some situations but fear of commitment may also be the fault of a circumstance that has created a fear of intimate closeness.  So whenever this person is faced with getting too close with someone that pattern of behavior (running from the situation) comes out.  Openly acknowledging this will help your partner see that you understand and are willing to work together to overcome it.

3.  Acknowledge the fact that your own insecurities are directly linked to his fear of commitment.  Your insecurity in the relationship is fed by his fear of committing.  The worse he gets, the more insecure you become.  By accepting a deeper understanding of his fears you can then gain a better understanding of your own insecurities and deal with them.

4.  Don’t make it personal.  His fear of commitment may not be about you at all.  He may be protecting himself against further loss.  If he has suffered a significant loss in the past that caused considerable pain then his fear of commitment is really a protective mechanism he uses so he doesn’t have to get too close to anyone.  When that closeness develops beyond his comfort zone he can use his fear of commitment to bale out.  It’s difficult not to take it personally but if you try to understand the cause (as described above) it becomes easier to accept and then deal with.

5. Work on your own issues.  Take the time and effort to work on your own insecurities and emotions regarding this relationship.  Don’t think that he is the only problem.  You must be able to effectively control what you are feeling or you will, in the end, push him away.  There are things that you need to work on together but don’t underestimate taking care of yourself to help the relationship.